Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

As a result of his research, Hendrix created a therapy he calls Imago Relationship Therapy. In it, he combines what he's learned in a number of disciplines, including the behavioral sciences, depth psychology, cognitive therapy, and Gestalt therapy, to name just a few. He expounds upon this approach in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. His purpose in writing the book, he says, is "to share with you what I have learned about the psychology of love relationships, and to help you transform your relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship."

Divided into three sections, the book covers "The Unconscious Marriage," which details a marriage in which the remaining desires and behavior of childhood interfere with the current relationship; "The Conscious Marriage," which shows a marriage that fulfils those childhood needs in a positive manner; and a 10-week "course in relationship therapy, " which gives detailed exercises for you and your partner to follow in order to learn how to "replace confrontation and criticism ... with a healing process of mutual growth and support." The text is occasionally dry and technical; however, the information provided is valuable, the case studies are interesting, and the exercises are revealing and helpful. By utilizing his program, Hendrix hopes you too will be able to solve your marital difficulties without the expense of a therapist. --Jenny Brown

Product Description

It is rare to find a book written by an author with solid academic credentials and years of clinical practice. This book is one such find.

The book is organized into three parts. In part I, Dr. Hendrix describes the type of relationships most of us have - "Unconscious Marriage". In this section, he details how our childhood experiences, self image and ideals of romantic love combine to create an unstated power struggle between spouses. Often many books stop at this point, assuming that the reader can now go forth and solve their problems. Fortunately Dr. Hendrix continues.

In the second part, he describes what a more fulfilling relationship might look like, the "Conscious Marriage". He describes how to begin with commitment, stop destructive exit patterns, creating a zone of safety, understanding yourself and your partner, how to begin real self growth and containing rage. He closes by providing two examples of marriages that have been transformed by applying these techniques. The exercises and approaches described by Dr. Hendrix are hard. His most meaningful techniques are not quick tricks but require a lot of introspection and self awareness. As he mentions in his book, many couples may require external assistance (we did). However, his techniques provides lasting changes in the way that you interact with your partner.

The final part of the book is a series of exercises that help drive how the major points in each chapter of the preceding two sections. Relevant and helpful, their main point appears to be to draw the reader into applying the theories presented in the book to their own situation. In this respect, they are helpful.

We have tried a number of different books/techniques to help our relationship and we found this one to be the most helpful by orders of magnitude. I hope it works well for others


Solid insight, not just for after problems start.   April 23, 2005
Michael Bird (Yorba Linda, CA United States)
122 out of 125 found this review helpful

When I told a pastor friend of mine a short time ago that I was ready to start pursuing a relationship again he recommend this book. When I noticed that it referred to itself as a guide to couples I thought maybe he'd made a mistake recommending it to me, however, as soon as I started getting into it I realized why he thought it'd be helpful to read even before I got into a relationship.

I'd recommend this book to both couples in crisis and those just trying to make things better as well as to any, like myself, that simply want to work on knowing ourselves better before getting into a relationship. It is also very helpful in being able to form insight into how others relate to us in a relationship, why they expect what they do and why we expect what we do.

Some of the author's insight into how childhood wounds effect us are very helpful in seeing how some of our personality gets formed and how those traits affect both our partners and ourselves. When two people start a relationship they both have expectations, conscious and subconscious, of what they expect the other person to do for them. Obviously in a healthy relationship both people are trying to love and give to the other person because giving and loving and being unselfish are traits we all recognize as being "good" and honourable and most healthy people desire to be good or Godly in some form or another.

What is not so obvious, and what I found most helpful in my reading of this book, is that people go into a relationship with the expectation that the other person will heal us where we were wounded and hurt as children. This unconscious desire to have our partners fill the need left behind by our less than perfect parents often is the cause of the ensuing battles and eventual breakdown of relationships. Often the net result of this inability to get our partners to heal us is divorce.

I feel very positive about what I learned in this book and while certainly no panacea, I believe that anyone with an open mind and a desire to learn about themselves and have a greater empathy for their mates will get something positive here. I give it a strong recommendation to both married couples and those that intend to be in the future.



Why do you do those things you do...?   September 23, 2000
Rosemary Thornton (Norfolk, VA)
38 out of 44 found this review helpful

...That irritate the heck out of your spouse?

That was the thing I always wondered about. This book explained so many things in such a clear understandable way. I've recommended it to many many friends.

About the exercises - I skipped most of them. I am a reader not a test taker. But even with that, I gleaned countless pearls of wisdom and revealing insights about my marriage, myself and the reasons I do those things that make my spouse crazy.

The book is an easy read, too. Not text-bookish at all. Interesting examples and practical experience, blended in a very readable format.

Rose


Life Changing!!!   February 27, 2001
83 out of 86 found this review helpful

Let me start by saying I am not a self-help book devotee. That said, this book has revolutionized my relationship with my husband and taken it to a new level. BUT... I recommend this book for only those seriously committed to REALLY wanting an honest, soul-fully deep relationship. This is not a quick fix book full of easy answers. If you are looking for a book to tell you how to fix your partner or get them to be what you want them to be, don't buy this book.

To make the concepts in Getting The Love You Want work, it takes a tremendous amount of gut wrenchingly honest introsepction, humility, willingness to do things completely differently, and total selflessness. It's hard work.

But if you do what this book suggests, your life will be forever changed ... in all your relationships. This book has changed my life and enriched it beyond belief. I read the book - my husband didn't. Although he was not a proactive participant in the process, his life has been equally impacted and we are getting all we ever hoped for from each other.


How to become CONSCIOUS of why you chose certain people -and how to make your relationships work   April 19, 2006
K. Corn (Indianapolis,, IN United States)
15 out of 17 found this review helpful

With around 50% of marriages failing, it is pretty clear that many people are doing something wrong when it comes to chosing their mates. This book explains why people are so often drawn to those who challenge and,ultimately, also frustrate them..and how to turn many difficult relationships into successful ones.

HOW does the author do this. In a nutshell:

1. First, he makes readers aware of the possible unconscious forces that drive most of us to be attracted to those we love. This isn't a "quick fix" or "bandaid" type of psychology. Instead, it is filled with the type of insights that motivate readers to truly examine their own lives and to understand how their experiences guide the choices they make when selecting lovers and mates.

2. That knowledge - about how one's past affects one's present and future - puts readers "in the driver's seat", no longer held fast by patterns of attraction that aren't clearly understood. Suddenly relationships, past and present, begin to make sense, especially when viewed in light of one's entire life.

3. Armed with that knowledge, couples have a chance to really build a committed, solid relationship and to acknowledge why we are attracted by certain, often challenging, people - and why that might even be a POSITIVE thing, if handled the right way. Admittedly, there may be some very painful bumps in the road (good relationships often take hard work)..and there is the real risk of breakup, divorce, the end of a relationship. Awareness does not automatically lead to a successful relationship. Some relationships still end.

But whether your marriage or relationship ultimately succeeds or fails, reading this book is likely to up your chances of building a solid, strong and committed relationship in the long run.
This is a standout from The crowd when it comes to similar types of books. It is thought-provoking, enlightening and well worth reading. It should be required reading for many marriage prep classes.